Hang up Your Cape: Let Go of Anxiety

Therapist: I’ve figured out what your problem is.
Me: **waiting in anticipation for the answer to all my anxiety**
Therapist: You’re human.
Me: No… I don’t think that’s it. I’m Superwoman.
Therapist: **gives me the one eyebrow raise of doubt**
Me: Look. I’m pretty sure that my cape is still flapping in the wind behind me.
Therapist: Well, then it’s time to hang up your cape and accept that you are in fact just a human.
Me: **ugly cry commences**

Here’s my confession before I get into this topic in quite possibly exhausting detail. Before 2013, if you had told me that you battled with anxiety, I would have tried my best to relate to your feelings, but I would have come up short. In my mind I probably wondered, “Why can’t you just not worry? Why can’t you just get over it?” Some of you, by the time you finish reading this, may be wondering that very same thing about me.

I have been on a journey of battling anxiety since 2013. In August of that year, after numerous trips to the ER for fainting spells, a loss of about 20 pounds, and what I know now to be panic attacks, something had to change. My PCP put me on a prescription for Paxil and told me to go see a therapist if I wanted an anti-anxiety medicine for the panic attacks. I felt like a failure. What would people think if they knew I had to go to a therapist? “I’m not crazy. I don’t need to see a therapist,” I thought to myself. For those of you thinking that a therapist is just for “crazy people,” I pray that God will open your eyes to the truth, and you will be granted the compassion and the knowledge to learn what I have throughout this experience.

Out of options (well, at the time out of all the options I thought I had), I contacted Counseling Associates. I went initially out of desperation to get that anti-anxiety medication to keep me from going to the ER every other day. They switched me from Paxil to Sertraline and gave me Klonopin for the panic attacks. A part of getting the anxiety medication was an agreement that I would come in weekly to get weighed and go through “talk therapy.” Sounded great at first. I love to talk. Then I found out it was talk about my feelings… and my fears… and all other sort of emotional stuff. UGH. How many of you have been my friends since before 2013? Does this definition of talk therapy sound like something I would want to do? The answer is no. You want to know why? Because the stuff that normally makes me upset lasts an instant. Why would I want to rehash those feelings to someone that a) can’t fix my problem; b) might then worry about me when it’s unnecessary; c) by the time I get to actually vent about what bothered me, the feeling of frustration has already passed so no reason to give it life again; d) appear to be complaining when overall my “problems” are miniscule compared to this hurting world we live in.

Those first talk therapy sessions were a lot of rambling, trying to answer her questions in a way that made me appear that I had a handle on everything, that I was in control, and that I wasn’t crazy. Surprisingly to no one but myself, amidst all of those words where I was trying to convince her I was “normal,” I cried. I ugly cried. A lot. After she told me that I was more like the men she counsels than the women with my inability to share my feelings with others, she compared what I needed to do with water dripping from a faucet. If I’ll let my feelings drip to a few people that I wholeheartedly trust from time to time, there won’t be this build up and explosion of emotion and anxiety because I’ve kept everything bottled up so long. Part of my homework was to pick two people that I trusted and open up a little bit about what I was feeling. In doing that, want to know what I discovered? My anxiety was rooted in FEAR.

These fears… they change based on my seasons of life, but during that season in 2013, my greatest fears were:

1. Fear of losing my parents
2. Fear that people would believe the lies of a malicious co-worker that was determined to destroy my professional and personal life
3. Fear of being sick and on medicine (OH THE IRONY!)
4. Fear to share the above three fears and concerns because at the end of the day, I was coping, and I didn’t want people to think that I couldn’t handle my problems

You may laugh at my fears and recognize the wastefulness of worry on the above things. It’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to react to my fears because they’re mine. I may feel the same way about your fears. That’s why those are yours, and these are mine. Your fears are tailored to scare and debilitate you.

My turning point in therapy was after several sessions, she said, “Your faith seems to be very important to you, so let me ask you a question? Do you believe God is sovereign?”

Without even a pause, my response was, “Yes, but…”

Her eyes grew wide. As did mine. Yes, but. Yes, but. I know the answer to that question is yes, period. But that’s not what came out. “Yes, but” did instead. Which means whether I would have admitted it willingly, I was still holding onto control of things of which I really had no power.

What do you do with a revelation like that? If it was as easy as just giving up control of things and not worrying, don’t you think I would have stopped by now? What does that even mean to give up control? The bills don’t pay themselves. Work doesn’t complete itself. We do have responsibilities in this world that require action. Some of those responsibilities are hard.

So how did I conquer it? Well, I take it day by day. That’s right. Present tense. I still take it day by day. During seasons of peace, it might even seem more like week to week as an anxious thought may not rear its ugly head. I have noticed how much more thankful I am for peace now that I know what it’s like to not have it.

There are some things I do to cope, though. Here are some of the most helpful tips that have made an impact on my life. Just like everything else I write about, it’s a journey. I didn’t go to sleep one night and wake up the next morning anxiety-free. But deliverance is possible. (Can you tell I’m writing this paragraph during a season of peace and not in the midst of a pit of despair?) If this post doesn’t flow as well as my others it’s because I’ve been writing it for a year. A paragraph here and there, some written during panic moments, others during peaceful ones. Can you tell which were written when? I hope not because my goal is to be in a spirit of thankfulness, not only during the peaceful times, but during the anxious times as well.

Helpful Tip #1: JESUS! Reading the Bible, prayer, worship music, and feeding my mind with positive things.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

For those of you that are long sufferers of anxiety or troubles and hardships, you’ve probably heard that James verse before and want to throat punch anyone that says it to you. That’s okay. Sometimes I want to throat punch myself when I declare it. Doesn’t make it any less true.

Some verses I claim and even pray out loud at times of anxiety:
1 Peter 5:5-11
Hebrews 2:14-18
Psalm 56:3
John 14:27
John 16:33
Psalm 94:19
Proverbs 3:25
Proverbs 12:25
Ecclesiastes 11:10
Ephesians 6:10-18
Philippians 4:6-8

Songs:
“No Longer Slaves” by Jonathan David
“Oceans” by Hillsong
“Breathe” by Johnny Diaz
“From the Inside Out” by Hillsong
“Let It Go” Frozen soundtrack. I’m totally kidding. But I have a young daughter and when the title of this blog came to me, I wanted to re-write it. Seriously. Lord, please don’t let the Frozen soundtrack make it into my blog post. Don’t tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor!

Books:
Fear and Faith by Trillia Newbell. I’ve only read Chapter 4 on the Fear of Tragedy but it is spot on in the reason for my fear. Baby steps for me, ok?

Helpful Tip #2: Therapy. I understand that not everyone can afford therapy. Quite honestly, I was only able to go because going to the ER that many times, we met our deductible, and I was paying a very minimal amount per visit. Some employers offer mental wellness services for free. Contact your Benefits department to see if you have any options. If that’s not a possibility, find someone that you trust (that is VERY important), and start your own talk therapy sessions. They may not be a trained professional in advice, but they do care about you. If you do find a therapist, be mindful to select one that will incorporate your beliefs into your plan. It was very important to me that once I stabilized to come off the medications they prescribed. They absolutely helped me accomplish this. Although I was so thankful for the medication in those four months that I was on them, I’m even more thankful to now be off of them.

Helpful Tip #3: Family and friend support. These are your “talk therapy” people. Use them! My Balancing Act post… the #FEELINGS conversations I referenced? This is talk therapy with my peeps that keeps me grounded. This is not normally a large group of people. It’s your select few that you know are loyal to you and can provide compassion and wisdom and speak truth into your life.

Helpful Tip #4: All In: Freedom sermon. This sermon from Blake Hudspeth at The Summit Church: Conway from November 2015. Woah. Life changing. It’s only 30 minutes. If you suffer from anxiety, watch it. I was in another huge pit of anxiety during this time. I had resorted to begging God for deliverance and trying to understand why this was happening again. The entire sermon was a green highlighter moment for me. It’s not just one moment of deliverance that we need but most likely MOMENTS of deliverance. Over and over and over again. YES! His four steps to beating anxiety are a habit that I’ve incorporated into my own battle.

Step 1: Admit that I’m in bondage. Ultimately, we’re a slave to our thoughts. Christ died to give us freedom. We are no longer slaves, but we’re acting like we are. I never considered that it held me in bondage like a slave. I don’t know how I didn’t see that, but I didn’t. Well, I do know how I didn’t see that. I let Satan lie to me that this was just how I was made and just my lot. Well, that’s not true. If it was who I was at my core – I would have come out of the womb with anxiety or suffered as a child… but I didn’t.

Step 2: Identify the lies that I’m believing. I write out the crazy lies that have me so wound up in that season of anxiety. Since they can change from season to season, the lies that I’m believing in this season aren’t the same ones as a few months back so I have to call them out again.

Step 3: REJECT the lies that I’m believing. I reject the lies by writing out what’s really truth about whatever lie I’m believing.

Step 4: Receive the truths of God’s Word. See Helpful Tip #1 for some of my favorite Truth. I’ve written those references in the back of my Bible so that if I need them, I don’t have to dig through old notes to find them.

Helpful Tip #5: CrossFit Conway. This started my wellness journey. Are you sick of hearing me say journey? It’s the truth, though. If you’re looking for me to tell you a quick resolution to anxiety, you’ll be disappointed. CrossFit Conway gives me the opportunity to combine not only my physical health, but because of the community aspect of CrossFit in general, I met friends that are now in the #FEELINGS club. It also challenges me from a mental aspect. Want some more irony? Sometimes it’s even the root of some of my anxiety. Can I even do this? Will I let people down? The answer to both of those questions is yes. Yes. I can be active and push myself when it gets hard. And yes. I will let people down because I’m human as my therapist was so kind to remind me.

Helpful item #6: Hippocrates Health. Hippocrates Health was a great resource to expose me to the right types of tests to help me identify what was happening with my body chemically. Because I didn’t want to be on those medicines long term, I wanted to determine if there were deficits in other areas of my health that I could supplement with vitamins or food to help relieve these feelings. What I discovered was the MTHFR gene. No, I’m not making that up. I’m still learning about this genetic mutation that I have, but wow. I am not doctor (obviously), but just because I’m genetically predisposed to be a certain way does not mean it has to define me or rule my life. People with this genetic mutation are likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, or both. I learned about my deficiencies in Vitamin D and Omegas as well as too high levels of B vitamins. Because of the MTFHR gene, my body doesn’t process B vitamins properly so whereas most people love B vitamins and take them for a pick-me-up, they actually ramp me up too much and make me anxious. It’s also another reason why you’ll see me locked down on one cup of coffee per day. The extra boost just isn’t right for me.

Helpful item #7: Beard Family Chiropractic. Know what I love about Beard Family Chiropractic? It’s not all about your spine. Well, you know. It’s totally about your spine, but their focus is on the total person. They are a Maximized Living Center, which follows the 5 Essentials of Maximized: Mind, Nerve Supply, Nutrition, Fitness, and Minimize Toxins. I never realized how passionate some people were about their love or hate for chiropractors. Here’s what I do know: these 5 essentials weren’t anything I didn’t believe before I went to their office. It was just awesome to find a practice that promotes health in all areas of your life. It’s not just about “eat well and exercise.”

Helpful item #8: Vitamins and Essential Oils. Here’s that medical disclaimer that I see on posts that tell you about vitamins and oils: This information shared is for educational purposes only. It is not meant to diagnose, treat, mitigate, or cure any health condition. Please consult the health care professional of your choice for specific health information.

Because of the MTHFR gene, my body does not process some vitamins as well as others as I briefly mentioned above. That also means even the stuff my body needs, I can’t take every day, or I get out of balance. This has been trial and error for years. What I’ve settled on is a sporadic regiment of the following:

1. Folinic acid – Not folic acid but its pure form Folinic acid.
2. Probiotic – When I’m at my worst with anxiety, my guts are HORRIBLE. You know all that research that’s coming out about gut health? My experience seems to confirm it’s legit!
3. Vitamin D3
4. Magnesium sulfate liquid
5. Metahylate cream
6. Stress Away oil blend (Copaiba, Lime, Cedarwood, Vanilla, Ocotea, Lavender)

Do you struggle with anxiety? Are you in denial that you are just a human? This is my journey and what has helped me. Some or all of them may help you, but regardless if your healing looks the same or completely different than mine, be encouraged that you can find peace. If you are not seeking help or counsel from a professional or a very trusted resource, please do it. Don’t let your pride or your cape get in your way.