Marriage Guidelines

“Ma-wage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday.” Although I do love The Princess Bride, it’s not Buttercup and Prince Humperdink’s marriage (or lack thereof) that we’re going to discuss. I want to talk about mine for a bit.

Shawn and I met when I was 20, and he was 19. We married when we were both 21. Such young pups. So when we got married, I think it is safe to say that we had no idea what that was supposed to look like outside of whatever expectations we both brought from what we witnessed growing up with our own parents. I wanted to share some of the things that have helped make our marriage stronger over the years and has turned into the relationship that I cherish most on this earth.

My two disclaimer statements:
Disclaimer 1: I’m not a therapist. I’m not an expert on marriage by professional standards. I’m just a girl who loves a boy and, by God’s grace, seems to be making it at this whole marriage thing. Also remember that every relationship is different because God makes us all different people. What works so well for Shawn and me might not be the right thing for your marriage. Hopefully, it’s the concept behind the action that will resonate though, and you can see what practical action that takes in your own marriage.

Disclaimer 2: There is no guilt and condemnation in the rest of this post. If you do the things I list below that are on the no-no list, pray about whether or not you owe your spouse an apology, and decide from this day forward to not do them anymore!

Guidelines for Husband and Wife
There are some guidelines that are specific to husband and wife (we’ll discuss later). But these below work for both parties involved.

Guideline 1: Know your spouse’s love language. Whether you actually go through the book by Dr. Gary Chapman or just read through articles on the concept, it’s crucial to a successful marriage. If you’ve never heard of it before, it’s that all of us receive love in one of five ways: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and/or Physical Touch. Most of us give love in the way we wish to receive it. So if my love language is Acts of Service (which it is), I might clean the house to show Shawn how much I love him. But if Shawn’s love language is Receiving Gifts, he might appreciate that the house is clean, but he’s not going to receive it in the way that I would if he had cleaned the house for me. What’s hard about love languages is when you find out you’re married to someone who needs love in a way that you aren’t wired naturally to give. Figure out practical things that you can do to help you with it until you’ve done those enough times that it starts to feel natural.

Guideline 2: Beware of opposite sex friendships. This one was very hard for me when we were first married. My crew in college was a group of guys and one other girl. I’ve always connected more with guys than girls. Even though you think your friendship is different and could never get outside the friend zone, emotional connections for women are just as dangerous as physical ones for men. Social media and texting make building these relationships so much easier than back in the day when it had to be done face to face. If there’s communication that’s occurring between you and someone else that you wouldn’t be okay with your spouse reading over your shoulder probably is a good indication that your heart isn’t in the right spot.

Guideline 3: No yelling or name calling during discussions. I’m convinced that this rule that Shawn and I put into place while we were dating is a key component to our success in marriage. Know why? Because we don’t have 18 years’ worth of hurtful words that have left us with anger, bitterness, and resentment that we must forgive (Ephesians 4:31-32). I don’t think that people believe me when I tell them that Shawn and I don’t fight. But it’s true. Not fighting is not the same as not agreeing on things. There are things that we disagree on from time to time. The difference is that we refuse to let those things escalate into an argument. It takes self-control and respect on both sides for this to work, but it is possible.

Guideline 4: Do God things together. Pray, read the Word, worship, go to church, talk about Godly things. If you’re not a Christian, you won’t get this guideline. But there is nothing more connecting than having these deep, insightful conversations with each other. It’s our beliefs that make our marriage so full of love, joy, peace, grace, and kindness. If you’re a Christian and your spouse isn’t, pray for them. Every. Single. Day.

Guideline 5: How can I make his/her life easier today? If you start each day with this mentality, it takes the focus off yourself and your entitlement for what you feel you are owed in your marriage. And, if you’re both in this frame of mind – you do things for him, he does things for you, round and round the awesome cycle you go!

Wife Guidelines (These guidelines are set up by me. I’m not being told I must do them.)
Guideline 1: No nagging. Sure, you may get him to cross something off a list that you wanted him to do, but my guess is he wasn’t very happy about it in his heart. Pray about it instead. God is way more effective in getting your husband to move in the right ways than your words.

Guideline 2: Don’t disrespect him. I get that respect must be earned and can’t be forced. But you can consciously choose to not disrespect him while you’re trying to learn how to respect him. Don’t talk about his faults and vulnerabilities as a husband and father to anyone that will listen.

Guideline 3: Don’t withhold physical affection. Ladies! This is so important. Although you may not understand it, if your husband’s love language is physical touch, he needs this. In the same way that you need affirmation or acts of service. You may be thinking – He’s not giving you the affirmation that you need so you withhold the affection he needs. Someone must step up and stop the crazy cycle. Let it be you! One of the best things for our marriage was an open conversation of what this looked like for us. This is NOT obligation affection. You are in control of your body and what affection you give. What I’m talking about here is to ensure you are not withholding physical affection as “punishment” and to see physical touch as a love language in the same way the others are.

Once I looked at the list, I really wanted to revise each statement to be something affirmative instead of the negative. Be positive! Give him love! Respect him! But, I feel like we’ve all heard these concepts before and especially if you’re not in a good place right now with your marriage, that may not be the easiest thing to do. I’m not saying you must do the most positive thing right now. Just don’t do the most negative. When I asked Shawn what he thought was crucial for me to be a good wife, he said, “Being supportive, affectionate, and understanding. When you do those things, I feel respected.” If you asked your husband that same question, what would he say?

So what about the men in the house? What are their guidelines?

Husband Guidelines
Guideline 1: Listen to her. I don’t mean multi-task on your phone or while you’re watching TV. I mean 100%, eyes locked, listening. When you do this, there will be this innate desire within you to fix whatever issue she discusses. Resist that urge! There have been times when Shawn directly asks me, “Do you want me to fix this or just listen?” I love that!

Guideline 2: Figure out her love language and do it. You may have thought I was just speaking to the ladies in my “together” guideline section for this piece, but this part is crucial. You may not understand why she doesn’t respect you, and it could just be because you’re not showing her the love that she needs. You may cringe on the inside when you discover that her love language is Quality Time or Words of Affirmation. That may not come naturally to you. Just remember that how you receive love may not come naturally to your wife either. But if you are empowered with the knowledge and essentially the secret key to unlocking her heart, why would you not do it? If she’s not stepping up to meet your needs first, meet hers! You’d be surprised how it gets reciprocated over time.

These guidelines above are from my own perspective. But did you notice there’s only two? It’s not rocket science in how to make us happy. The ones I gave above are what I think that Shawn does extremely well and makes me feel loved. But I was curious about what he thinks his guidelines are without knowing what I put his “guidelines” to be. He said, “To affirm you and to be helpful.” That’s it. And he’s right. He affirms me when he listens to me, and he’s helpful because he knows my love language is Acts of Service.

All of these things above have produced trust in our marriage. Because Shawn and I trust and respect each other, we don’t have the insecurities in our relationship that is common to marriages. I am confident in his love for me. I don’t just love him, I like him. I want to be around him and spend time with him, and I feel confident to say he feels the same way about me. My heart hurts for people that have to go home to a spouse that they don’t like. It doesn’t have to be that way.

So what’s the next right step for you? Maybe all of this is too much. Maybe you don’t even like your spouse right now so don’t even get you started on giving him more physical attention. That’s okay. All you need to do is to just take the next right step. One thing at a time. As I mentioned in the beginning, I’m not a therapist, but I am a huge proponent of therapy/counseling. Your marriage may have so much hurt and resentment built up that you need a third party to intervene and help you both sort through all of the baggage. If counseling is not a viable option for you, start with the small things. An action change – anytime you notice yourself thinking about something your spouse doesn’t do well or isn’t doing at all – find one thing, anything, that is positive and replace the thought. And repeat it until that positive thought becomes what you think of first. Another idea is take one of the guidelines above and start doing something towards it. Maybe you’re not ready to be positive when he’s told you he’d do something for a year and it’s still not done. But you can choose to not remind him of it daily. Refraining from being negative doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready to be positive. But, it’s one step in the right direction.

God can redeem and heal even the bleakest of marriages. I pray that if you are struggling with marital problems, that you’ll find someone you can trust to confide in that will give you Godly counsel on next steps. And again… therapy! Many churches offer these services for free and even some corporations have this as a part of their wellness programs. Put aside your pride and ask for the help you need!

Do you have any successful tips that you all do in your marriage that works well for you? Share them in the comments! Let’s all encourage one another! (1 Thessalonians 5:11)