Do You Have the Time?

I envisioned writing about many things in the last few years, but not about this.

I thought my experience through Kaitlyn’s journey in 2017-2018 would be the first blog post I wrote about once I finally decided to write again. More than 18 months later, and the words still don’t seem to be there. It’ll come one day, but today is not that day. 

I feel the same way about 2019. We met and adopted our daughter in 2019. How have I not written about that? I will, one day. When I can pull apart my story from her story. Today is not that day.

So, then. What woke me up at 3:45am today? Some would say it was the dairy I ate yesterday after 100 days of the strict elimination/reintroduction food plan I’ve been on to figure out some of my own health challenges. Remember this post from 2016 and how I talked about that eating healthy food was something I hadn’t really focused on? That’s worthy of a post, right? It is, but today is not that day.

Minimalism! Ya’ll. I’ve discovered minimalism. All the things I want to share with you about freeing up your mind, soul, home, and time would be so good for you. There are so many things. But, today is not that day. 

Without an absence of things to write about, why have I been so silent? All I can tell you is that the words just haven’t come. These stories above are filled with so many God things, I have no doubt that the words will come eventually. But, today is not that day.

What is today then? I’m glad you asked. Today is about 2020. But to get to 2020, you do have to understand some highlights of a few years prior. In May 2018, right before Kaitlyn took another decline in health, I reached out to my boss and let him know that in 2019, I needed to change my work schedule to 4 days a week. What we had walked through in 2017-2018 up to that point was enough to show me what mattered in life. In December 2018, very much still in a thick fog of grief from Kaitlyn’s passing, we saw our daughter at a Project Zero adoption event. We met her in January. She moved in in February. I went down to 4 days a week at work in June. The adoption was final in August. Que the one year anniversary of Kaitlyn’s passing in September that was a reminder that you can be distracted from your grief with life circumstances, but you can’t run from it. 

In December, Shawn and I started talking about our hopes for 2020. One word kept coming up again and again: stabilize. It was my heart’s desire. Everything had felt out of control for a solid 3 years. We both liked the sound of that. Slow down and focus on what matters. I even have a verse that I have had taped on my desk at work since 2016, “Teach us to make the most of our days, so that we may grow in wisdom.” Psalm 90:12. Yes, Lord. That sounded good. Time. Wisdom. Yes, please. I forged into 2020 encouraged and ready. 

I didn’t get far into the year when I realized that all the areas of my life that had felt unstable in the past few years had nothing to do with my choices. They were circumstances that I did not create but to which I got to respond. The word surrender then started to enter my mind anytime I thought of stabilizing. The fact is: I want my life stable. I am an anti-drama, low maintenance person and friend. There are some things I can do to intentionally stabilize my life. Then there are other times, when I have to find the peace amidst the madness that happens around me. So I surrender that to my God that is good. And despite whether it’s good or bad that He allows, that my response is the same: peace and gratitude. 

Que March 2020 and a global pandemic. Talk about something I didn’t choose. Talk about time on my hands. Talk about an opportunity to make the most of my time. Am I? I sure hope so. 

I’m thankful for (in no particular order):

      • Sitting out in the front or back yard just talking with Shawn
      • Bike rides around the neighborhood with the girls where we stop at the creek and look for snakes
      • Listening to Hayden play the piano
      • Sidewalk chalk artwork
      • Beautiful weather to be outside
      • Skype with my parents
      • Ability to work from home (and Shawn’s, too)
      • Smallville with Hayden and Shawn
      • Kids’ ability to do AMI and stay engaged in schoolwork
      • Facetime/Zoom with friends (old and new)
      • Teaching Hayden to drive
      • Driveway basketball
      • Family puzzle time
      • Garage workouts – family time and sometimes even Zoom friend time
      • Watching the girls play imaginary games and their creativity during playtime
      • Grilling out
      • Bella becoming more of an inside dog
      • Gardening
      • Cleaning out rooms
      • Reading
      • Teaching the kids how to cook/bake
      • Quiet time
      • Conversations – those deep, soul changing conversations that you can’t get to without being intentional and time

Each of those bullets have such great stories and memories behind them. 

Even though it kind of feels like it at the moment, I don’t live in a bubble. The last thing I want to do is turn this into a post that will divide my friends instead of unite them. I know my story is not everyone’s story during this pandemic. There is a time to talk about that, too, but today is not that day. 

Today I want to capture the good things. To remind myself in case I ever get blinded by the things that don’t matter once the world opens back up. To remind myself that I can have this time – all the time – if it is priority enough in my life to make it happen.   

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of time. May we make the most of it. 

2017 Focus Areas: Part 1

Part 1 of 3: My 2017 Focus Areas posted over at New Hope Youth Ministries. For those of you that had resolutions that came and went, check out my take on goals and how I keep them going. The first post likely won’t surprise you, but stick with me over the next few days… the others might!

Direct link to my Focus Areas is here.

Balancing Act

“Are you tired, run down, listless?” A quote from one of my all-time favorite I Love Lucy episodes is very appropriate for today’s post. Thankfully, the answer to all your problems is not in that little bottle of Vitameatavegamin.

Balance. (**insert heavy sigh here**) We all crave it in our personal and professional lives, don’t we? Most of us don’t have it, though. I know I didn’t for a long time. I wanted it, sure. But I didn’t want to do the things necessary to get it. To do so would mean discipline and disappointing people, and well… I definitely didn’t want to do that. It might crush the image I’ve worked so hard to maintain over all these years. You know the one, don’t you? Sure you do… because you’re likely trying to keep it up as well. The one where everyone thinks you’re Superwoman. We can do 50 things at once while maintaining patience, happiness, poise, and sanity.  Continue reading “Balancing Act”